It is so interesting that I read this excerpt of the book on this day. I actually was able to go see Cindy Trimm on this day and when she spoke, it was confirmation of what I had read earlier! I know that God is moving and speaking things to me in this season, and yet, the enemy will keep trying to make me feel unworthy and separate and unwanted and unloved. I cannot let it deter me, I know the reason that he wants me to feel isolated is so that I cannot use my gifts, the gifts that God has graced me with to help other people.
What I really like about what I read, is that "Sameness isn't a Kingdom principle, but connectedness is." That right there is transformational because it seems like everybody wants people to be at the level that they are, and nobody is patient enough and hold enough mercy for the person to get to the level of where they are.
I remember sitting before this man of God one day, and it had been one year since being celibate and he asked me if I used to have sexual addiction. I didn't want to admit to it, because I didn't feel like I had any, because I had been really good. But he was able to see it through my eyes. I was in denial about my past, and just wanted to leave it there and not deal with it, but some things must be dealt with or they will return!
It is something about me emotionally that I need to be delivered from when coming into close connection with others. I have a hard time receiving and giving, because I'm hurt deep down emotionally. I don't know why, but I need to get that part fixed. I need the Lord to spiritually heal my soul from this aching part that is within because He is taking me to a place of receiving, but I'm having a VERY difficult time with interacting with others in it. I'm trying to rest and allow Him to lead me in these things, but I keep feeling stuck, I keep feeling like I have to pretend that I am someone that I am not. It's very difficult and it's getting raw in my emotions. I try my best to be the authentic me, but I'm realizing that I'm just not where I think I really am and the authentic me is the person that is still struggling with some things inside in regards to exposing myself to others.
Greatness IS risky!
I have to take on these things of praying to God and about who He says that I am, this may take a few days. I'm not going to rush the process. I know I have great potential, but just because I see it in my mind, doesn't automatically mean that I will behave this way and that's how I'll be. I have a long way to go!
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