Reading this day's Soul Fast, is important to me and my growth and development into who God has created me to be. I was mute as a child. Not because I couldn't speak, but I harbored so much fear with interacting with others that I chose not to speak. It was a choice, because it took a great amount of strength and courage each time to say something to others who were not my grandmother (my mother--she adopted me).
Anyway, I had a cousin who was very overbearing and critical. She may have also been the reason as to why I didn't want to speak to others. She was always trying to prove me wrong in things, and some things I believe that I had the correct information and facts, but she always tried to make me feel stupid and/or dumb. I remember she was skipped to the same grade as me, we went to the same school, and she made friends easier than I did. When I got to a public school and it was just me, I had a real hard time adjusting to making friends there.
I wanted someone to introduce me to everybody. When I met people, I felt awkward that they wanted to hang out with me. I didn't have much to say. When I finally decided that I would hang with others, I just stood around them and had nothing to contribute. I was always quiet. A couple of years ago, we had a mini-reunion and one of my schoolmates said that she would try to do things to make me speak when we were younger.
I had no idea that she was a mean girl in that capacity. I had really admired her as a leader at our school. She was the most popular.
Anyway, this is where things get hard in my walk right now. I am at a point where I truly want to live authentically, and there's some things going on in the inside that need to be resolved. I thought I was done with some things in my life, but I keep gravitating towards it for attention. I'm sure I did away with it all by my behavior Wednesday night, but who's to say that the situation won't occur again but through a different person?
This is where I need to get true with myself. "Jesus refused to do what satan suggested because His Father would not be worshiped and praised, or as Peter put it, His virtues would not be made clear."
That is the level that I must think on when it comes to self-denial. When I have to make a choice between what I want or desire and whether or not the Lord will be glorified if I go with my desires. There's nothing wrong with having desires, but our desires should line up with His perfect will. If it interferes with His will, then self-denial is monument!
I asking Lord, create in me a clean heart & purify me!
"Your words have to be backed up with honesty and integrity--what in psychological terms is called congruence. What you do and say on the outside must reflect what you think on the inside. A lack of congruence causes stress and affects the way information is processed and memory is built." - Dr. Caroline Leaf
>>In whatever area you have failed, own it, address it, embrace it as a priceless lesson, and MOVE ON!
That's what I have to do. I think if I try to dwell on what I allowed to happen and let the weight of guilt stay on me, I cannot move forward. I own it, I'm giving it to God and I believe He will give me the strength to move forward!
1) What are the abilities God has given you? How well are you stewarding them?
God has given me many abilities, I need to work on my stewardship. I have allowed too many things to cloud my thinking and decision-making.
2) Has God called you to be a leader? Of course He has! The question is: How are you taking responsibility for fulfilling that call?
I'm getting better as time goes by. Some habits that I used to have would be really essential now, because I really need them in order to be an effective leader. I have allowed too much gunk from inward desires to mess things up, because of a lack of faith that I have had in God. I took this up with the Lord the night before last and He answered me yesterday morning. He said He will do it. So all I need to do is trust Him, but it's hard telling that to my feelings.
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